I Needed ...

... to cry my eyes out today. I'm not sure there was any one reason for it. It was just the crushing weight of work, motherhood, marriage, friendship, citizenship and modern life. I needed a physical release, and crying is both cheap and socially acceptable.

I checked the four-hour 1993 video version of "Gettysburg" out of the local library, because there's nothing like the senseless death of more than 53,000 men over three short days to get the waterworks going.

And of course, for me personally, there's the final, devastatingly brilliant performance of Richard Jordan as Brig. Gen. Lewis Armistead. He gives a couple of very emotional speeches, and then gets mortally wounded just as he crosses the Union army lines. The real Gen. Armistead died of the wounds he received at Gettysburg two days after the battle ended. Richard Jordan died from an inoperable brain tumor within a year of completing the film. He was fifty-five years old.

Anyway, I'm too exhausted to go into the details of why this performance and this film were just what I needed to achieve catharsis and (I hope) wake ready to face life again tomorrow. You'll just have to trust me.

Goodnight, Richard.