Mistress Heidi

I'm part Polish, and those of my maternal grandmother's relatives who didn't leave Poland at the start of World War II were killed by the Nazis during that long, bloody war. So I've always been a bit wary of things German, and of German nationalism in particular. I'm not proud of those feelings, especially since I frequently find myself lecturing the people around me about tolerance and love. But then somebody suggests we head out for Bratwurst, and it all goes to hell.

Then I met Heidi. Well, not met her exactly, just caught her act a few times on "Project Runway." Week after week I watched Mistress Heidi taunting the would-be designers, berating their choice of fabric or their lack of fashion sense. And - I swear to God - when she dismisses each week's loser with a crisp "Auf wiedersen!" I can actually hear a horsewhip cracking in the background.

These days I have to limit my exposure to Heidi and her dominatrix-like thrashing of the designers. Just the other I day I heard myself urging her to bitch-slap some poor idiot who'd put a beautiful girl in the most horrendous outfit ever created. "Yes, Heidi," I yelled at the television, "punish him again!"

And as I turn off the TV, breathless and glowing from another session with Mistress Heidi, I am acutely aware that this woman - this beautiful woman - has relieved me of my last and most firmly-held bias. Danke.