What's Up Doc?

There was a moment, just before 7pm, when I thought it had all been a dream, and that I hadn’t actually agreed to host an adult toy party in our suburban home. But then the doorbell rang, and two lovely young women entered. They had rolling suitcases which, I soon learned, were full of demo vibrators.

I had about a half bottle of blueberry port in me, which is a good thing if you’re about to be the guinea pig at a sex party. Once the crowd had been loosened up with a little massage oil and pheromone lotion, it was my turn to try a little “Enhancement Cream.” I was dispatched to the ladies room and told to apply a small amount of the stuff to my “center.” My sister (the veteran of many such parties) had warned me about this:

“Some of my friends said it’s like squatting in a patch of eucalyptus; I sort of felt like my crotch was on fire.”

Thankfully, my experience was more “eucalyptus patch” than “firecrotch.” But it was still embarrassing. And that was before the vibrators started circulating around the room.

I’ve always thought that a really high-end vibrator should resemble a piece of modern art, full of womanly curves and gentle slopes. But it seems that the folks at Disney are moonlighting in the adult toy biz; all of the stuff we were shown was adorned with woodland varmints and sea creatures.

I know you all don’t care about this. Get to it, you hussy! Tell us what you BOUGHT!!

Okay. I bought one of those woodland varmint-vibrators. I haven’t used it yet (yeah, you get the stuff right away, lest you come to your senses post-party and cancel your order), because I’ve been busy with the other stuff I bought. There’s the Massage Mitt with the built-in vibrator, then there’s O-Ring with the built in vibrator … detecting a trend? I even bought the firecrotch stuff, just because I thought it might make for an interesting conversation.

$250 later, I must say that my husband and I are happily entering the Electronic Age of our sex life (both the Massage Mitt and the O-Ring were for us to enjoy together). And no, I will not give you all of the sweaty details. This is true love, after all. But I will tell you that, when my friend Jen has a party later this year, I’ll be picking up a few more goodies.

And I promise that – when Bugs Bunny and I do finally connect – I’ll let you know if it was worth the $50 bucks.